Recently, I shared my thoughts on the challenges of evolving friendships and navigating them as an adult. What’s becoming more relevant in my conversations lately (it’s the holidays) is how to navigate your families as an adult.
Family dynamics change in adulthood in ways no one really prepares you for. You’re no longer just showing up; you’re bringing your values, boundaries, and fully-formed opinions to the table. And sometimes, that creates friction.
I’ve learned a little about family dynamics – through my own experiences, through relationships and friendships, and also through therapy. Here are the biggest takeaways.
Your Family is Dysfunctional
When you’re a kid, you think your parents are perfect. They control your environment, shape your worldview, and define what “normal” looks like. You naturally fall into their patterns because it’s the only thing you know.
At some point, that illusion fades.
For some people, it happens early — maybe at their first sleepover, when they realize yelling isn’t a nightly occurrence. For others, it happens later: when they come out to their parents and aren’t met with support, or when they start questioning values they were raised with.
It’s awkward and uncomfortable to realize that your parents are just people, too. People with flaws, blind spots, and unresolved issues. People who are also just doing their best, and falling into what was laid out for them, and generations before them.
Which brings me to my next realization.
Everyone’s Family is Dysfunctional
It’s easy to get caught up in social media — the matching pajamas, the smiling group photos, the carefully curated holiday posts. And honestly, I believe those moments are real most of the time.
But the closer you get to these families, the more you realize there’s often more beneath the surface. Conversations stay shallow. Certain topics are off-limits. Everyone knows where the invisible landmines are, and no one wants to be the one who steps on them. There’s an unspoken tension that lingers, even in the happiest-looking rooms.
Then there are the people who have been parenting their parents for most of their lives – acting as the emotional mediator, the peacekeeper, the fixer. The ones who learned early on to read the room, manage moods, and keep the family functioning at their own expense. And others have chosen distance, not out of anger, but out of necessity – because staying connected was doing more harm than good.
No family is exempt. Dysfunction doesn’t always look like chaos or conflict. Sometimes it looks like silence, avoidance, or smiling through discomfort. It just shows up differently for everyone.
How To Navigate It
If you were hoping for a step-by-step guide, I don’t have one. I’ll be the first to admit – I have no idea.
I think it’s just important to acknowledge that people are individuals first and families second. But is that correct? For some cultures, no. In many instances, it’s really selfish to put your needs before your family’s – but what does that mean? Does it come down to your parents’ needs? And should it?
This is where I have a hot take. I don’t know anything about being a parent, but I do know that a good parent should allow their kids to be their own people and have their own lives, not just be an extension of themselves. If kids are hiding who they are from their parents, then their parents have failed to create a safe space for their children. And isn’t creating a safe space the whole point?
I think as a society we’ve gotten so wrapped around the idea of looking like the perfect family that people forget to take care of the families themselves (Alexa, play Family Portrait).
Boundaries Aren’t Betrayal
If your parents are still trying to control you and mold you into the ideal person they want you to be, it may be time to set some boundaries. If your family is constantly belittling you or treating you unkind, but using the ploy of being family as a reason for you to tolerate it, let me be the first person to tell you that it’s really okay to cut them off.
All I know is this: life is short, and you shouldn’t keep people around out of obligation. Your needs are just as important as everyone else’s. Yes, including your parents and your siblings.
Being family does not give you the green light to treat people poorly.
Just because you know they’ll always stick around. Or, because they’re an extension of you. There’s no such thing as an ideal family, but ideally, you can be yourself around the people you choose to call your family.
A Note for the Holidays
I know a lot of people feel anxiety around the holidays for these reasons. The expectations, the traditions, the unspoken rules – they all get louder this time of year. Most families are just doing their best, many with a lot happening beneath the surface.
If the holidays feel heavy for you, it’s okay to protect your peace in whatever ways you need – whether that means setting firmer boundaries, leaving early, skipping a gathering altogether, or redefining what “family time” looks like for you now.
And if all else fails, feel free to passively share this with someone in your family – or your in-laws – just to get the party started.
Shut Up Madi 