The Ugly Truth

Here at Shut Up Madi, I feel like I do an okay job at keeping it real. Though I usually don’t speak to things until after the fact, when I’m able to put a positive spin on things, such as quitting my job.

There was recently a trend on social media where people opened up about some of their struggles which I thought was really cool, especially because we’re so used to seeing the highlights. So, here’s the ugly truth.

I carry so much shame. 

Even after years and years of therapy, I still carry so much shame; some of which isn’t even mine to carry. 

I beat myself up for so many things I’ve said and done, and the things I didn’t say and do. There are so many chapters of my life I was mirroring my environment, projecting my deepest insecurities, and acting out for attention and approval. I try to show myself compassion for making decisions based on the knowledge I had at the time, but the weight of hurting others just because I was hurting is something I’ve really struggled to cope with.

Because of this, I spend a lot of time (honestly an embarrassing amount) totally shut down, and disassociating. I often don’t have the energy to communicate with others because I can get so far into my own head.

When I come out of hiding, I’m a total people pleaser. I know this comes from the deep-rooted need for approval. It makes it really hard for me to create boundaries or even put my needs first, especially when it could potentially hurt someone’s feelings. 

I don’t really know who I am.

I know, that’s the whole point of life. But for most of these 26 years of my life, my whole purpose has been to assist others around me. As an extension of some, an asset to others, I was always trying to live up to the expectations of everyone around me while totally neglecting my needs. 

Yes, I am aware that I had my midlife crisis in my twenties. 

While it’s been challenging, I’m also grateful. Instead of me pouring from an empty cup to fill others, and hoping to find purpose externally, I’ve been able to work on discovering myself. 

It’s an unfortunate truth to acknowledge that I’ve had no sense of self all this time. But after seeing all the hurt people cause one another, using them to try and find a purpose in themselves; doing the work seems like the only (and most responsible) option. Like, have you ever heard the saying “I go to therapy because the people that don’t”? Because same. And I’m about to start sending out bills.

I’ve never been able to do a chin-up.

I figured this post didn’t have to be too deep. But really – I have zero upper body strength.

I don’t really think much of myself.

Aside from not really knowing who I am, I don’t think much about what I do know. But I know I’m funny and that’s pretty cool.

We live in a society that judges a lot on looks. As a woman, much of my worth was also determined from that. As my looks have changed and my weight has fluctuated, I’ve never felt more detached from my appearance. And honestly, the people and interactions that have come to me from my looks really haven’t made me very grateful for them anyway. 

Speaking of people; between a really unhealthy relationship and a bully of a boss, my whole sense of worth had been questioned over the past couple years.

You know what they say; be careful about who you spend your time with. Between being told I was inadequate as a person, and constantly belittled as an employee, I was getting beat up at home and kicked when I was down at the office, all around the clock, 24/7. Not that it was anything extraordinary before, but this chapter of my life made my self-esteem crumble. To the point where I second-guess everything. I have drafts on drafts on drafts saved on my blog because I often question whether or not I’m worthy to speak to things.

In many fundamental relationships in my life; romantic, familial, and most recently, professional, I’ve not only been an asset/extension, but also a burden. Ouchie. This one has been tough to unlearn.

The worst part of me thinking so little of myself, is how many others that are in the same boat. And it’s because of this, that I think it’s so important to be honest about things like this. As a whole we have to stop projecting all our insecurities onto others. Hurt people hurt people and frankly, I cannot afford to go to therapy this frequently.

This isn’t to make me a victim but to share more of who I am and what I struggle with.