Getting off the Hamster Wheel

6:30 a.m. your alarm goes off – snooze.

Another day waking up, getting ready, driving to sit at the job you don’t love but need to pay the bills. How often do you stop, look around, and ask yourself how you got in this place?

I’ll go first.

Let’s circle back 2019. I was 21 interning at SAP in Bellevue, Washington, something I never thought I’d be able to do. During this time I met people in amazing roles at Facebook, Amazon and Microsoft. I had talked to other SAP departments, the most exciting conversation about an internship opportunity in New York City (can you imagine). It was a time where everything seemed so unbelievably possible.

Fast forward to March 2020 – the COVID-19 era. All of the possibility I had been exposed to, suddenly clouded by fear and uncertainty of the future. Hiring freezes? Companies going out of business? Layoffs left and right… what an exciting time to graduate and enter the workforce.

I felt overwhelmed with relief when a role I had inquired about before the pandemic offered me an internship. I was over the moon grateful to have any work opportunities at all when many others did not. It wasn’t my dream role as I was eager to get out of Montana and see the world, but it was the best option.

Months later, when an opportunity arose to move to Columbia, SC, I jumped at the bit. Something about the world stopping made me hyper-aware of time passing and I’ll be damned if I was going to waste any more time in my twenties without exploring what this world had to offer. So, I took I the job, packed up my subie, and headed to South Carolina.

My first apartment was really cute – it had a spacious layout and the largest closet I’ve ever known, but there was one problem… bugs – oh and mold. When you’re spending an obscene amount of time at home between not knowing anyone in the area and working from home, this living situation quickly becomes an issue. This is how I justified moving into one of the newest, safest apartment areas in Columbia. The issue with that new living situation was none other than the price tag, but, not to worry – I got a discount for taking one of the handicap-accessible units. Top shelves were a problem no more.

With inflation and the cost of living climbing higher than Mt. Everest, my salary had stayed the same. It was a wicked combination wanting to explore this new chapter of your life, while also needing to pinch pennies. This resulted in a little credit card trouble and me pursuing other opportunities.

Shortly into my search, I stumbled into a role at a local agency that perfectly aligned with my skillset. As someone who’s worked primarily in start-up roles, it’s difficult to find job openings that fit your jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none strengths.

Right off the bat I knew it didn’t feel right, with my first fire drill task within the interview stage, but it was a pleasant salary increase and I had bills to pay. It didn’t take long before issues became apparent.

Well, at first it was subtle.

I would hear my boss lie to others, then there was the scapegoating, then the belittling comments… before it became full-blown manipulation. What was chalked up as a “difference in personalities” by management, was none other than bullying in the workplace.

3 months later, here I am working at the same company, in a different department, under a different boss. I feel grateful every day to work with such talented and intelligent coworkers. There really is so much to be said about great leaders, especially after your confidence has been shot and you’re trying to regulate your nervous system.

While I may love this job, I’m aware that it’s not in alignment with what I’m passionate about. Which brings me back to the initial question – how did I get here?

I’ve been acting out of fear and desperation throughout my entire adult life (although it’s only been a few years, it has been eventful and very reactive). I’ve struggled to fit into situations that were not good fits because I didn’t think I had other options. I’ve found myself in countless situations that I knew I didn’t want to be in, but didn’t know how to get out of. I was going through the motions with what I had and the connections I’d made, and was always searching for a means to an end.

By the way – when’s the last time you watched Holes?

But, as of lately, I’ve come to realize the only way to get off the hamster wheel is to stop running.

Upon reflection, I’ve come to terms with the hasty and reactive decisions I’ve made. I feel grateful for these experiences and the insight I have for my future.

Simply Put, the Only Way off the Wheel is to Stop Running

I once heard this cliche quote and it really resonated with me.

I don’t know whose idea it was to determine the next 40+ years, choosing your major as a college student, but that does not have to be the case. People uproot their lives every day, leaving behind things that no longer serve them, chasing the unknown because they know they don’t like the situation they are in. Maybe you’ve failed at a life you know you don’t like…. why not chase the life you love? Kinda tacky, but it packs a punch.

It goes without saying that this applies to all things in life – not just careers. However, careers are more often than not something that we settle into with little inspiration.

I recently sat down and listed everything I wanted out of this lifetime. I listed everything I wanted to experience, what I wanted to accomplish, relationships I wanted to experience, and milestones I wanted to accomplish for my personal development. Spoiler – writing and personal development were on the top of that list.

It had a very bizarre effect on my outlook on life. Instead of trying to plan how I was going to respond to what life threw at me, I started to calculate what steps I needed to take in order to accomplish those things. For some, their goals may be to become a multi-millionaire, but mine made me realize how much I want to uplift and inspire others. Not by my actions, but by challenging other’s thoughts that they have picked up over the years.

So, the question I think everyone should ask themselves is; how did I end up here? Was it based on inspiration or survival? Is this where I want to be? Am I digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole because I think it’s my only option? Am I just along for the ride, going with whatever everyone else thinks my next step should be?

Stop making your future pay for choices you’ve made in the past – especially ones out of fear or desperation.

Count your blessings, spend time with people who make you feel good, and live the purposeful life you so deserve.